im back.

hey, i'm back! just over here.



This is a post that has been written, revised, and drafted many times. It's something that, if you read my blog, it hits home. It's hard to balance conveying what I want to say without it sounding like I'm flaunting what I have. So I will just write from my heart and what I feel. I write this not only to inform and help others understand, but maybe because it's something someone else needs to hear.
Major Depresive Disorder is something that I've struggled with for many years and not until recently, I've finally come to terms with it. It truly is a mental/emotional
disorder and so many lives are effected by it. I know it's hard to understand and grasp, trust me, I know. So many times in my life I've been told, "Ashlee you have this, this and this and so much to be grateful for. Why aren't you happy?" And you know what? I agreed with them. I couldn't understand myself and the feelings I was feeling or not feeling. When someone has a sickness such as diabetes, you don't just tell them to "have diabetes and it'll be fine." The same goes for depression, you can't just tell someone to "just be happy and look at all the good in their life." It doesn't work that way, though it would be very nice if it did. MDD is a chemical imbalance and is an illness that needs to be treated just as any other illness--with proper medical attention. 
For many years, I lived in denial that I suffered from this. I neglected getting the attention I needed and ignored what my doctors would tell me. And just like any other kind of uncared for sickness, it only got worse. I began to not understand myself and lost the girl I once was. I let my depression control my life. There were times I wouldn't leave my room the entire day; day upon day. Every task began to feel like so much work, and seeing people and my friends was the last thing I wanted to do. Luckily, I had a good friend who saw what was going on and made me get up, and get out. This friend has no idea how many times he saved my life that year. There were times I would contimplate ending everything right then and making a plan and I would hear from him and be distracted. A lot of me feels I owe my life to him. I lived that way for many, many months until the point I couldn't take it anymore and made a plan. A very, very well thought out plan and began to put that plan to action.
Still to this day, I don't know what stopped me, a lot of those moments are very hazy. But something happened that clicked and made me realize how badly I needed help. After having everything taken away from me, including my clothes, and being confined to white wallled room with only a plastic bed
and chair, I committed to take the advice that would be given and do whatever it took to overcome this. I promise myself that I would never go back to that dreaded place again. 
My depression didn't go away just like that, still today I work so hard to fight it.
But I've learned more about it and about myself and how I can help myself. I understand that it's okay to be sad sometimes but it's not okay to let it consume your life. I've seen the love those around me have for me and how much my family loves me and wants me here. I've seen the struggle and emotional stress I put on my parents and hope to never see it again.
I've learned that I can't please everyone nor can I live to please them, that was a huge factor of my downward spiral. I've learned that even though this is something I will probably struggle with for the rest of my life, it's okay, life does go on. I've learned how to love and have so compassion for others in ways I never would have imagined. I've learned that even though I suffer from Major Depressive Disorder and Panic Disorder, I should not be ashamed. I'm so grateful for my parents and friends who have showed their unconditional love and patience towards me, I know I never would have made it without them. 


a clean slate.

I've been feeling paticularly stressed lately and I remembered when I moved home the first thing I did was paint my bathroom. It was a great escape. Just me, music, and my brush. I feel like it helped me figure a lot of things out and gave me "me time". It was very therapeutic. So, as a lot of those feelings are coming back, I decided I wanted a change in my life and decided to give my room a facelift. My bedroom has been a dark green and very parent-like since my sophomore year of high school. That room has many memories, in someways, too many. Now is the perfect time for a change--for a clean slate.


I've been risen.

From the dead, that is. While I've been MIA, I've done a lot of self discovery. I have been finding this thing called 'life' out for myself. Granted, it hasn't been easy and I've made some mistakes along the way, but I'm living for me now. 
To be frank, I avoided my blog because I was already being judged by those around me for the choices I was making, I didn't need another source for people to stab at me and tell me how awful I was and I was making such poor decisions. Like I said, I'm learning for me, and not because someone told me this is what I should believe, how I should live, and this is the way life should be. Sure, I may look  back and see how dumb all the decisions I made were, but that is something I have to find out for myself. I've finally developed tougher skin and feel I can face my blog again. So, here's to new beginnings and finding yourself; join me on my self-discovery journey! 


the big D-word part 2

is you haven't read part one you can do so, here. you're caught up now? great! *disclaimer: this post isn't a happy one and one to turn to if you want the warm fuzzies. if you're looking for that, i advise you to look elsewhere for now. also, i'm not writing this so i can get pity points and people can think, 'oh, poor ashlee, i'm so sorry'. i'm not looking for that. now, to part 2: My life seemed great and I wanted to try it without medication. Slowly, I started to sink back into my old ways. I truly believed that I wasn't good enough for them and I was being punished for the things I had done. Pretty much my entire life I've lived to please everyone else and can never meet the expectation that is set for me. That spiraled me to think that I was never good enough for my friends, my family, boys, a job, anything. I didn't deserve anything in my life why should I even life.This is when I began thinking suicidal thoughts. I thought it was normal and everyone had them, so I kind of just ignored it. I tried really hard to put on a good facade--to make people believe I was happy and fine, and in hopes, that I would eventually believe it too.
 I made the decision that I was going to move from Logan, back home to in Salt Lake. I wasn't going to school, I was hardly making any money, and I wanted a fresh start. Two days after I moved home, I felt I had nothing, I didn't have a job, friends, anything. One night, I made a very well thought out plan that I was going to take my life. I needed these feeling gone, the hurt gone, and it would make everyone else's life so much better.
I have no idea what stopped me, when asked this question, I can't really answer it. All, I know is that I am so grateful I didn't follow through. The next morning I realized I really needed help. My dad took me to the hospital the next day. I was given the choice to try and go home or to be admitted to a Psychiatric Ward. Naturally, I chose home but I knew if anything else happened that that is where I would end up. The first few days back home were really hard. I was haunted by my thoughts and had nightmares every night that would wake me up and cause panic attacks. I slept with my parents for a week straight.
Today, I take my medication everyday and see my therapist once a week. I am a survivor and fighter. All of my problems are not gone, but I am learning to deal with them in a better way. I know there is a light at the end of the tunnel and I have so many loved ones here to help me through this, and I will fight my depression.
 I hope that if you suffer from depression and are in that 'dark' place we all know too well, that you know there is hope. There is hope for you to get better and to live to your best potential. You are never truly alone and there are so many people rooting for you--I am rooting for you.


the big D-word part 1

i've debated back and forth with myself for about a month now, whether or not i should write this post. if it was a good idea to be vulnerable and open up a part of my life with my readers, that not many know about. it scares me to write this post, i will be completely honest. but, i share my story because i want people to know there is hope. i read someone else's story and it saved my life. it gave me the hope that i could get through this, and that i was not alone. and if i could do that for just one person, it's worth it. you readers that comment, i know you, but i know there are more people that read my blog than those that show their face. maybe, this is for them. maybe, i'm writing this post for me, to help me continue to heal. whatever it is, i'm finally stopping ignoring the feeling and sharing my story. part one: this was written about 2 months for a guest post that didn't work out: My name is Ashlee. I blog over @words,ramblings,and the random  and I'm 20 years old. I'm a lover of animals, babies, baking, good food, and being with those that I love. I suffer from depression and here is a little bit of my story:
Being the oldest in your family has a lot of pressure of being the best. You need to get the best grades, the best friends, the best job, and be the best example to your younger siblings. I thought I was doing everything any parent would be proud of: I graduated high school as one of the top in my class, I served as Senior Class Secretary for my high school, I took AP and Concurrent Enrollment classes, I did choir, I was in clubs, I played soccer, I had a lot of friends, I had a job, and a boy I liked very, very much; I was the do-everything girl.
After I graduated high school, I moved on to further my education at Utah State University in Logan, Utah. Shortly after school started, that boy ended things in a way I would never want anyone to experience. I cried day after day. I felt that I now had lost everything in my life. I never wanted to leave my room, I didn't want to see anyone, I didn't want to go to school, I just wanted to sit, in hopes to become numb. My parents saw this change and told me that I needed to go get help. I didn't want to feel like this forever, so I tried their advice and went to see the doctor. He prescribed me some medication and set up counseling for me. I was diagnosed with Major Depressive Disorder and Panic Disorder. I took my medication daily and went and saw my counselor once a week. My medication made me feel like a zombie, I had no emotion or reaction to anything, and my counselor made me feel like a crazy person. I stopped both. After a visit home, I went and saw my family doctor (whom I love) and he decided that I should try a different medication. This one worked wonders! I was beginning to feel like myself again and was not having a daily breakdown.



i feel as though i've abandoned my blog for too long. i just couldn't think of what to say. trust me, i have a lot to say but i didn't know how to say it. i wanted to fill you in on why i was MIA, but didn't know how.there were things i wanted to write about and would start a blank canvas and then think to myself, "is this too much?" "will i regret this?" "what will my readers think?" one day, i'm sure it'll be shared. but for now, i will just say "i'm here." instead of doing a million posts trying to catch up on my life in the last month, i will keep it short and continue on from there. in the past month i: -moved to south jordan. -started a full-time 'big girl job' -reunited with my high school best girls. -threw our first bachelorette party. -married my best friend off. (obviously, i didn't do the marrying... you know what i meant) -was honored to be the maid of honor. -sent my other best friend off to serve for 18 months in louisiana. -have been on the continuous quest to find out who i really am. life definitely has its ups and downs, but all in all, life is good and i'm here to stay.
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