the big D-word part 2

is you haven't read part one you can do so, here. you're caught up now? great! *disclaimer: this post isn't a happy one and one to turn to if you want the warm fuzzies. if you're looking for that, i advise you to look elsewhere for now. also, i'm not writing this so i can get pity points and people can think, 'oh, poor ashlee, i'm so sorry'. i'm not looking for that. now, to part 2: My life seemed great and I wanted to try it without medication. Slowly, I started to sink back into my old ways. I truly believed that I wasn't good enough for them and I was being punished for the things I had done. Pretty much my entire life I've lived to please everyone else and can never meet the expectation that is set for me. That spiraled me to think that I was never good enough for my friends, my family, boys, a job, anything. I didn't deserve anything in my life why should I even life.This is when I began thinking suicidal thoughts. I thought it was normal and everyone had them, so I kind of just ignored it. I tried really hard to put on a good facade--to make people believe I was happy and fine, and in hopes, that I would eventually believe it too.
 I made the decision that I was going to move from Logan, back home to in Salt Lake. I wasn't going to school, I was hardly making any money, and I wanted a fresh start. Two days after I moved home, I felt I had nothing, I didn't have a job, friends, anything. One night, I made a very well thought out plan that I was going to take my life. I needed these feeling gone, the hurt gone, and it would make everyone else's life so much better.
I have no idea what stopped me, when asked this question, I can't really answer it. All, I know is that I am so grateful I didn't follow through. The next morning I realized I really needed help. My dad took me to the hospital the next day. I was given the choice to try and go home or to be admitted to a Psychiatric Ward. Naturally, I chose home but I knew if anything else happened that that is where I would end up. The first few days back home were really hard. I was haunted by my thoughts and had nightmares every night that would wake me up and cause panic attacks. I slept with my parents for a week straight.
Today, I take my medication everyday and see my therapist once a week. I am a survivor and fighter. All of my problems are not gone, but I am learning to deal with them in a better way. I know there is a light at the end of the tunnel and I have so many loved ones here to help me through this, and I will fight my depression.
 I hope that if you suffer from depression and are in that 'dark' place we all know too well, that you know there is hope. There is hope for you to get better and to live to your best potential. You are never truly alone and there are so many people rooting for you--I am rooting for you.


  1. Hey Stachlee, you are my favorite. Keep it up woman, you are amazing! -Bootsy boots.

  2. I found you from Calea, and I just thought I'd link you to this blog. She writes openly about her struggle with depression.


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