And the vent begins...
"And I find it kind of funny, I find it kind of sad. The dreams in which I'm dying are the best I've ever had."
Lately I feel like my entire world is completely spinning around me. No matter what I do, there is something always making me dizzy from trying to catch up to it. Not only is everything spinning, but it's spinning in opposite directions. I really feel like this is the time in my life where I should know what I'm wanting in the future and going after. However, for once in my life, I don't know exactly what I want. I'm torn between so many decisions. There's so many decisions, so many options, and I'm remaining so indecisive. Lately I've really tried to live in the moment and take things as they come. It 'aint working out too well. I feel like no matter what decision I make there is always something that goes wrong with that plan. Things are happening that I never that would occur and I have no idea what to do about them. The spinning intensifies. I just wish I had a little person on my shoulder who would tell me what I should do. Tell me if what I want at the moment is even worth it; if some people were even worth all the time and effort I put into them. I'm not perfect. I wish more people would realize that. I make stupid, after stupid mistakes all the time. We live in a world where someone makes one mistake and may not realize it at first, but we do and we hold a grudge like there's no tomorrow. I can admit my faults, there's plenty of them. But who am I to judge others faults? Who are you to judge mine? I feel like I just keep trying and trying to fix the broken pieces. To put it all back together and make it whole again, and someone doesn't even care. They will just hold to that mistake and try to show that they've moved on, that they don't care. When clearly they do, it's shown all in their body language. I just wish the time would come where this situation would be brushed off and we could move on. But at the moment, apparently that's far too much to ask. I am a very sensitive person to others feeling. Granted, yes, I know I do hurt people's feeling. Not intentionally, but I don't think anyone does. But I really try to relate to people emotionally and be sensitive to others' situations. But I feel like people think just becuaseI'm very sensitive to others, well than I don't have feelings for myself. I wish others could see that even small little things, don't go unnoticed. And people, especially sensitive people, DO pick up on them. I wish others could realize the hurt they put on people. Like I said, the small things. Those really do matter. Like I warned earlier, this is my venting session so it may not even make sense... As much as I'm anticipating becoming an adult and making my decisions, I wish I could still just crawl into my parents lap and they would just hold me there and tell me what to do and that everything was going to be okay. Unfortunately, if I did that now I would crush them and it would be quite uncomfortable for the both of us. My world is spinning in mad directions and I don't know how to stop all of it. I think what bothers me, a control freak, the most is I don't have complete and utter control of all the situations. I can try and try and put all my effort into it, but it has to be a two way street. Something, even if it's just a small portion of effort or answer needs to be returned. One thing that I've really come to realize through all this mess, is how much I need my Savior right now. He is my rock, my redeemer, and I need to lean on him. I am so grateful for the constant he is and can stop most of the spinning and confusion. No matter what goes on in my life, he knows exactly how I feel. No matter how alone I may feel right now, I never am truly alone. I just need to reach out and he'll be there. I know My Redeemer Lives.
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