freed

around 2:30 in the morning, i was lying in my bed, waiting for sleep to take me. when, all of the sudden, i had the random thought that i should text him and see how he's doing, how the mission is coming along, and just how life is in general. i quickly shook this thought from my head and thought to myself, "i'm doing great without him in my life. finally, there is not a part of me that is hurting. and most of all, when i hear his name i don't have to turn my ear in fear i'll hear something that will make me get that sick feeling all over again. i felt that i was at a very good part of my life and finally feeling truly happy with where i was at and he wasn't haunting my thoughts 24/7. why would i want to do that to myself again?"

about a week later i had the same feeling that i needed to talk to him. once again, i shook it off. 

i had that same feeling over the next two weeks and continued to ignore it. 

i was sitting at home on a saturday night all by myself and the feeling came back. only, this time, with a strong force. my heart started pounding and i was having a hard time catching my breath (you know that feeling when you know you have to go bare your testimony? yeah, that was the feeling to a T). i decided right then that i needed to follow this feeling. it wasn't going to go away until i followed it. 

i mustered all of the courage i had and went to call him. it was at this point i realized i no longer had him number. i deleted it, not because i was mad, but because it was too much of a temptation to pick up the phone and try to call or text him whenever something happened. i knew he didn't want to hear from me and i didn't want to be a bother. i texted and called those i thought would give me his number and it took me forever to get it. finally, someone was gracious enough to respond and i dialed his number. all of the sudden my heart was racing so fast i thought i was going to have a heart-attack. what was i going to say to this kid? i didn't really have a specific reason to call him and it was so out of blue. what if he didn't want to talk to me? what if he didn't pick up? or worse, what if he hung up on me? i ignored those thoughts and proceeded with the call. he answered and i thought i really was going to die. he was kind to me. and we talked. it wasn't for very long and despite my nerves and worries it was well worth it. i was able to hear from him again. to hear the good news of his life and that he was, indeed, still planning on serving the lord. i was, and am, very proud of his decision. over the events of the past year, that is a big step for him. our call ended and i felt so relieved. a burden was lifted. i didn't really realize i was carrying such a heavy load and i was holding a grudge. and for once in a long time, i finally felt free. free from his grasp and that i could carry on as just his friend.