the end of the rope.

right now, i'm at my whits end. i have no idea where i am going and what i'm doing with my life. i feel like my world is spinning a million times an hour and i can't catch up. i just want someone to snuggle with and tell me 'it'll all work out'.
i'm so confused about the path i'm taking right now and i have no idea what the lord wants me do. one thing i know for sure: he'll never leave me. but sometimes it's harder to feel his love and comfort. i feel like i'm just stuck and have no where to go.
there's someone in my life, that i care about so much, that is consuming a lot of my thoughts. i don't know what to do. let's be honest here: i'm completely in like with him. i think he is so incredible. he's nice, funny, easy to talk to, and i feel like i can truly be myself around him. people ask me about him and if i like him and i'm honest and tell them, 'yes, i'm attracted to him'. then, without fail, someone will say, 'then why don't you date?!' i then have to go and make this bs excuse as to why i can't date him that seems very ridiculous and dumb on my part. when, in the truth of it, if the feelings were mutual, i'd love to date him. however, i can't. there are many complications that come with that and ones i don't wish to go into, and i'm sure he wouldn't want to, either. i can't have certain influences in my life. they've been there before and i don't want to relive them a second time. i can't get attracted to something i couldn't see being permanent. i wish he could see what i see in him. and what others see in him. there's so much more to him than the surface.
i really like him, but i don't want to. i can't. and i can't just drop him out of my life.
see my dilemma?

after i got back from oakcrest, i was on this spiritual 'high'. quickly, it degraded and i've wanted nothing more lately than to get it back. i've been praying. a lot. i've been praying to receive some guidance as to what i should do with my life. then, during the saturday morning session of conference, the prophet let off a bomb and announced that young women could now serve missions at 19. yep, that applies to me. i was immediately hit with the spirit. this is my answer. now, it's just time to figure everything out. much easier said, than done.

i have no idea what i'm doing next semester or with my life, in general. i am very much a planner and right now i'm going crazy. all i know is that i need to trust in him and he'll take care of everything. i just need to have patience. my worst attribute.

advice, comments, etc? i'll gladly take them all right now, please and thank you.

* i'm very scatter brained right now. my apologies.


  1. I feel as if a lot of this is exactly what I am feeling at this point. Can we just go back to Oakcrest where everything was easy? Unfortunately we have to be in the real world. I think that for me, I just need to learn patience. Someday God WILL answer my prayers and someday I WILL figure everything out. Also, I sincerely believe that as long as you are living the gospel, God won't let you do the wrong thing for very long. He will stop you before you make a wrong choice. If you aren't supposed to go on a mission, then He will let you know. Even if it means He tells you the day before you are supposed to be in the MTC. God works in mysterious ways and somehow everything works out. Now, it is time to work on the very thing that we spent all summer teaching to 13 year olds. TRUST.

  2. Come to BYU-I. You are always on a spiritual high and there are tons of cuties.


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